Archive for the ‘Inspired Journalings’ Category

The Unveiling

April 26, 2007

So what has been going on backstage? Throwing all suspense tactics out the window, I’ll reveal the happy ending:

I broke down and broke through.

Here’s what happened. I was frustrated with the stubborn scale of judgment. Looking at my weight numbers every day with a .5 pound up and down fluctuation into day 13 was cheese grating my patience.

In a heave of unenlightened complaining, I spoke my annoyance to my dear friend, Matt Monarch. Being a male, he offered a helpful solution. Eat less carrot juice, maybe you are having too much fat, try not drinking after it gets dark. The devil herself would have burned up from the blazing inferno that shot out of my eyes. You mean to tell me that eliminating all solid foods and adopting a consistent liquid diet of 98% vegetables and fruit is not enough?

Matt wanted to be even more helpful, so he called Dr.Fred Bisci, 40 year Raw Pioneer, renown Master Nutritionist, and my trusted mentor. Fred was quickly bumped to the top of my “hit list”. He said that Juice Feasting was an incredible bonus to the body in so many ways, and during the conversation he felt inspired to begin one himself (whether he did or not, his praise speaks volumes on the blue ribbon benefits of Juicing). Then he said that yes, should he Juice Feast, he would likely gain weight because a gallon+ of juice daily would give him greater calorie consumption than his day-to-day eating. Fred tried to comfort me by highlighting the essential nutrients my body would be receiving.

I wanted to spit.

I was forced, cornered, backed into a bush of thorny needles…No Weight Loss!?!?! Lamaze breathing was doing nothing for the tears beginning their swell into a tidal wave of emotion.

That was my breaking point. The storm came – wind! rain! fire! and ice! pelted down on my insides and anyone in range of my torrential release. Then stillness. Life is movement. What was next?

It was crystal clear to me that the only reason I started Juice Feasting was to loose weight quickly. The other reasons – like detox and health – were just window dressing, things I used to make the situation look pretty and noble rather than desperate and needy. Ultimately, I did land on a hot spot, a geyser of gold actually. Following the breakdown, my relationship with food received complete attention, it was all I focused on. The results have been…Blog-worthy, to dramatically understate the truth. I will journal about them soon. For now, however, let me complete the story.

The days following this Day 14 release were unnerving, literally. Before beginning the 92-day journey, my foxy man, Joshua, had sat me down. Looking in my eyes he said, “Babe, I’m going to assume that this could be a roller coaster for you. I am going to be here like a rock, just as I would be if you were with child, and all the bodily mood altering shifts that might come with that experience. ” From Day 14 to Day 21, his bravery was tested.

Although energy levels had been pleasantly high since the beginning of my feast – I could exercise, sleep 8 hours and feel rested, do my normal daily responsibilities, move heavy things if needed – there was building proof that my nervous system was being taxed. My tolerance to every day stress was plummeting. Everything in my life was becoming a burden, from my relationship with Joshua and work, to the raindrop landing on my windshield and the effort it took to breathe in and out. I was feeling very basket-casey, without the luxury of sinking into a hammock and watching the waves of emotions and detox wash over me.

On day 7 of this ride, Joshua pulled me into his arms and a tear slid down his cheek. He was worried for my health and asked me to stop Juicing. I was committed, on task, enduring no matter what – changing direction was not an option. Yet, inside his embrace, I melted out of my rigid wall of WillPower. I saw that my body was giving me clear signs of overload and might benefit from eating again. The revelations around my relationship to food that I had been downloading since Day 13, made it possible to say Yes, okay, that sounds right to me.

On Day 22, I ate prunes.

Speechless

April 26, 2007

Since beginning this Blog, I have been astonished.  Comments have come in of the most generous nature from people connecting with me merely via their eyes looking at a screen.  The miracle of this has not escaped my attention.  After the last post, “My Weight is Waiting”, there was a stream of supportive response, almost desperate to provide a lifesaving boost or solution…what a holy offering.

Needless to say, there is a large, rather snug (((BEAR HUG))) waiting for each and every one of you, should I ever have the honor of meeting the miracle of you in person.  I can’t stop yet…Do you get how great you are?  You chose to spend your life’s precious energy giving to me – a stranger in a big cyber world.  Now I feel like we are all neighbors, waving out our windows and smiling from our backyards.  Giggling behind our hands as we share the secret that we are all in this together. 

Smitten I am, just speechless and smitten.

An Overeaters Binge Day

April 12, 2007

cravings2.jpg

It began Day 9.  Check out my “Day-by-Day pictures” in the VISUALZ folder for a 1000 words.

What Happened???? My housemates were making some grand raw treats and for the very first time, I experienced stressssss.

The result: BINGE {Yes, even on a diet of all juices, I found a way.} I went reeling into the propolis honey jar, lots of orange juice and coconut water. I also had two servings of my hemp oil + bee pollen mixture. Three days later I am still re-balancing.

Annoying Symptoms include: puffy face – my eyes feel like fluffy doughnuts as if I’m having an allergic reaction; zits on back and face – reminiscent of my highschool days; bitchiness – I literally stayed level 10 fuming for two hours over a toothbrush and wanted to quit my job; distracting stressful cravings for food – I kept my eyes down as my housemates enjoyed their durian and dehydrated treats; doubt – a creeping oozing feeling of “Why am I doing this?” “Will I make it?”

Silver Lining: ~There is Juicy Justice~ During this difficult time, I am feeling how much I use food emotionally. I must have had to restrain my hand 100 times today against the urge to grab food. Watching this phenomena, I was in awe at the energy of my desire. It felt demonic and dumb – wild and primal. Usually when I eat I’ll have a consistent quiet voice in my head that says, “You’ve had a hard day, you deserve it. And, it’s raw, go ahead {the overeaters carte blanche}.” That voice just sounded silly today since I’m juicing; all I could do was shake my head and watch as it rambled on. My commitment kept me as the observer rather than the puppet.

Emotional eating does not help stress. Duh, right?

When i’m stressed, I want change – I want less stress. When I eat, I feel something change. Numbing, dulling of senses, doped up on fat, sugar and fullness…yes, something changes, but never my stress level. I’ve known this for years, but today I felt it, the lie of it all. There is great value to feeling and experiencing, versus the usual blaming and cursing myself and the god that made me helpless to these bodily fires. I understand deeper now and hope this awareness impacts my choices when I return to solids. I have 80 something days to continue swimming in the truth and lie mosh pit; my bet is that change is inevitable.

Balancing Beam

April 3, 2007

All these new habits to form…juicing, weighing, peeing, tongue scraping, composting, blogging, photoing, video taping, enemaing

 

To flex my feminine muscles of flowing with whateva, feels soo good. My dear lovely friend Jer-Bear described me once as having “springs in my butt”. I don’t suffer from a life of stale routine, yet i often crave explosive change, that burst of newness.

Juice Feasting = Abundant Change and i am happy.

My biggest challenge: fridge space – my man has loaned me two shelves in his fridge already – but looks like i’ll have to shop every few days until my housemates go on their lecture tours in a few weeks. 3 raw foodists, 1 fridge – cramped!

What i’m enjoying most: Yesterday it was smells. Already my nose is sensitive and i feel as if i’m drinking in the air with flowers, herbs and earth. Today, i am praising the Juicy Feast for my frickin flat belly! It’s been a while since i felt like wearing a sexy shirt. My belly may poof up with my first juice, but for now i’m smokin!

Symptoms of interest: *Ear wax – 1/8 tsp – hearing is comprimised, like i’m underwater. *Bottom teeth have a painful nervy sensation. *A few urges that occur as tremendous energy waves accompanied with an ejection of saliva in the back of my throat and tongue desiring to chew and eat something.

Hour One

April 1, 2007

i was going to eat again, but saw the clock had struck 12:09am…thus tolls the bell on the first day of my 92 day juice feasting. This daring decision was inspired by Angela Stokes, author of the book: The Juice Feasters Handbook. She is a wonderful woman, personal friend and sista…also as it happens, my housemate for a time inbetween her adventures. I have the priveledge of beginning my journey with the Mastress herself.

 

Hour ONE
Almost the end of the first hour.

Primary feelings:

1. Fear ((what did i just sign up for? I guess within that is a hidden, “can i really do this?” – and the answer blares through…of course i can, i am sitting across right now from a woman who did it)),

2. Pride ((i just said YES to something HOT!))

3. Excitement ((anticipating the changes to my body, the inner communion, and the shift in my relationship with food))

Why am i juice feasting?
At a primal level, I want to lose weight.

At mid-level, i am juice feasting because I can. I want the experience. It’s extreme enough for my attention span and seems worth the energy it will take to complete.

At the highest level: I’ve been sick quite a bit in life, that’s why I first became raw. I like feeling good a whole lot more. The health of my body contributes greatly to how I LIVE. I do this for the Love of Feeling Good!

GRATITUDES!!!
I give gratitude to Gela, the angel in my life and the lives of hundreds she has touched and will continue to ripple her magic through. She is serving as the bridge for so many of us crossing over into a better place.

I appreciate my main squeeze, Joshua, the man of my heart whose brilliance and connection with spirit created the line “for the love of feeling good”, these words are the blood flowing through his veins.

I give gigantic gratitude to Matt Monarch. His intense commitment and passion for being RAW and for honoring the Truth in things, has been my greatest inspiration. It is because of he that I am still raw after 3 1/2 years.

Thank you, my friends. Thank you.

Goodnight
Gela just gave me her blessing before heading to bed:

~~Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy…sleep well, and awaken to a liquid life~~

She is grace herself, this woman. And in her cloak of celebrating change, i say good night.